3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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