and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
