everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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