I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
