1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
