I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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