Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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