He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
