My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
