there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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