If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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