Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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