Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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