Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
