she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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