Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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