$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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