Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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