My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
