what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
