someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
