There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
