Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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