hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
