i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
