Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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