You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
