You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
