god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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