All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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