i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
