My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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