i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
