I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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