I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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