Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
