watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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