I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
