Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
