Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
