Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
