Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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