You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
