You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
