you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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