Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
