I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
