I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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