Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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