Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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