My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Rumble strips road head = magical
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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