I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
