the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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