Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
