my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
