I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize