Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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