I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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