I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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